It's day 10 and the continual christmas music feels like worms eating at my brain. Frozen and rapidly thawing turkey carcasses drip drip drip in the grocery aisles. Cans of cranberry glop stand stacked like sentries dare me to cross the line and buy something other than "holiday" food. The vegetables are all guarded by cans of cream of celery, cream of mushroom, and that abomination spawned from the worst of 50's era cookbooks: canned fried onion rings. They whisper seductively of an orgy waiting for me to join them to make it complete. I start to poke my eyes out as the image of soggy canned green beans drenched in mushroom scented lard soup laced with greasy rings of non-crunching onion scream Merry Christmas Heathen as I crawl away to try and escape the horror. I know resistance is futile but I try anyway. It's my patriotic duty to fight them with every last bit of free will I have left. They must not win...they must not win...
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