Evolve, you effing morons!

You know they dumped you on us. Every damn country at some point in time, got sick of your meddling crap and decided to round  you and your whack job crazy fellow cult members up and ship you off to America.  We don't mind a little crazy here, but this inflexibly insane shit is way too much.

And this whole victim thing. It's the age old whine of the asshole. Treat everyone like shit, kill them if they refuse to join your cults, interfere in their lives and infect their politics with your extreme religious crap, and then wahhhh..claim you don't understand why everyone wants to ship you off to another planet.

 And you're such cruel teases. Every few months you get our hopes up with this rapture crap and then we wake up and you're still here. Not even your own gods want to spend eternity with you, so that leaves one option you might consider. Learn to walk upright. It's a lot easier on the knuckles. It's called evolution and it's really catching on in the civilized parts of the country, so you might have to leave places like Texas and most of those humid mosquito breeding ponds you call home if you want to join the party. That way you'll quit dragging everyone else down with your ignorance.

Get Over It by godless_heathen
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Ho Ho Ho, it's day twelve!

Christmas Hotdog by Crazy_Card_Lady
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War On Christmas, Day Number Eleven

No War On Christmas is complete without including all the villagers in the fight. Enjoy!

Drink Up Bitches by orsobear
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War On Christmas, Day Number Ten

By now some of you have reached the family home where the rehashing of festering wounds is served alongside the why haven't you of condemnation, and blissfully topped off with lavish displays of you could have this too if you kissed as many asses as I have, and finally consummated with an overdose of STFU. It's a good thing there's only a couple days left before the countdown begins for the next sentimental, with an emphasis on the mental, family gathering.

Dark Soul Skull by orsobear
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War On Christmas, Day Number Nine

The real meaning of xmas, no matter what religion or lack of one you have. It always comes down to this.

Christmas Money Tree by godless_heathen
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War On Christmas, Day Number Eight

May the flying monkeys gift you with a bad attitude and a whole pile of fruitcakes if you don't laugh your ass off at this lovely tribute to the war on christmas.

Flying Skull Monkey by orsobear
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War On Christmas, Day Number Seven

For many of you, this will be the last couple days of peace before you get thrown into the firepit of holy dysfunctional family festivities. If you think I make war on Christmas, you haven't seen anything because there's really nothing that matches the festering resentments waiting to explode over the holiday supper table. Joy to the World! Fuck yeah! May you survive it in one piece.

Feast of Dysfunction by Crazy_Card_Lady
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War On Christmas, Day Number Six

Note to the rightwingnuts who rub themselves with essence of jeezus before mating with their kinfolk: when you become a parody of your own beliefs, it's time to wake up and smell the horseshit.

Pro-Evolution by godless_heathen
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War On Christmas, Day Number Five

After taking day four to honor Christopher Hitchens, it's back to making fun of the pathetic little creatures who want to take over the world with their whining. As I watch them complain that not everyone wants to be part of their cults, and as I watch them try and force their religions on everyone else, I am struck by something so painfully obvious: it sucks to be them.  I mean, think about it. If what they believed was so wonderful, so satisfying, so world altering fantastic, why do they have to whine that not everyone wants to be part of it? If it's so good, why aren't they just practicing what they believe and leaving the rest of the world alone? Only really insecure douche bags find so little pleasure in their lives that they have to be mean little shits to everyone else. Maybe they need to accept that the whole god thing just isn't doing it for them. If it was, they'd be like Atheists or other people who don't need imaginary friends to feel complete or moral or ethical. They'd accept the limitations of their own existence and quit looking for others to blame for their shortcomings. They'd realize that no god is going to rescue them from the misery of their empty, meaningless lives, that it's up to them to chart their own destiny. And certainly they'd develop a sense of humor and quit whining about stuff all the time. We'd all be happy if they'd just lighten up and let everyone live as they see fit.

In honor of day five and humor and memories of my own family, I present today's video. If the ability to make this kind of entertainment was around when I lived at home  surrounded by  multitudes of strange accented English, I would have so made something like this.

Evolution Of The Smartest by godless_heathen
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Christopher Hitchens April 13, 1949--December 15, 2011

Sunset Clouds by northwest_photograph
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War On Xmas, Day Number Three

The real reason there's a war on Christmas is because Christians are selfish and won't share the holidays. They expect EVERYONE, whether they are Jewish, Muslim, Atheists, Pagans, or Noodly to celebrate THEIR holidays. How would they like it if they always had to celebrate other religious holidays that had nothing to do with Christianity? How would they like that? Not very much, I suspect. But that's basically what they expect other people to do...celebrate only the Christian holiday. But fortunately, we still live in a country where they have to share the holidays and it leads to wonderful events such as this:

This year, next to the Christmas tree and nativity scene, residents will see a painting of Santa nailed to a cross, a sign about the fictional Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and a poster describing the Easter Bunny, Jesus Christ and Santa as "myths for young and old."   READ MORE

As part of the multicultural experience selfish Christians want to deny the rest of us, here's a lovely celebration I found to share. Yes, it's the 12 days of Christmas, but it's Hawaiian and a whole lot more fun than a bunch of dour rich white Republican/teabagging morons singing the same old crap.

Naked Pagan by orsobear
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War On Xmas, Day Number Two

It's day two of the War On Christmas and today's offering is a charming rendition of very special holiday music as farted through the asses of cheerleaders. Is there any better way to say Merry Christmas, Assholes?

I think not. It is such a fitting tribute to those window peepers obsessed with the sex lives of gays, the reading material of mature adults, and the TV viewing habits of people who are obviously having a lot more fun when they don't have to worry over being struck dead for seeing bare skin or for watching programs and movies meant for thinking grownups.

It is my sincere wish for the holidays that this year Christians learn where the off switch is on the television so no one has to pass laws mandating an official hand reach out and turn it off for them. I wish for them to take a break from burning books and actually read one for a change. I sincerely hope they give up on the unhealthy obsession with getting big government involved in other people's sex lives and have themselves a good and wild fuck so they will not be so jealous of everyone else's sexuality. And more than anything, I want them to get their mean, bigoted, racist and paranoid asses out of OUR government and focus on cleaning up the messes within their own walls instead. I mean, seriously...if you google serial killers and religion, you'll see they were mostly good god-fearing killers raised by fundamentally deranged Christian crazies. And that's not even getting into all the priestly obsession with little boys. That list is way too long to include here.

Why There's War On Christmas by godless_heathen
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War On Xmas, Day Number One

I could barely contain my excitement all day long today as I waited for the numbers on the bottom of my screen to switch over to 12/12/2011 and officially open the War on Christmas. How I need this magical time of year, especially today when I found out that once again I did NOT make Santa's list of naughty little Atheists. And once again, a whole year went by without a single Muslim, Jew, Pagan, Flying Spaghetti Monster, or Atheist knocking on my door trying to talk me into coming over to their dark side. Instead I was annoyed by this abomination: the Republican Jesus! left on my door by one of his evil minions.

It looks like they scrubbed all the brown off him, especially that nasty Middle East brown that could be something not Christian, gave him a haircut and bought him some nifty accessories from some loser in the pool of first ones voted off one of those crappy designer shows.

And a whole slew of those homophobic skinny white boys traveling together, living together, eating together, bathing together, sleeping together to spread the word that Mitt Romney is a member of their cult and if you don't vote for him the gays! Oh the gays! They'll get married or something horrible that will require them to travel together, live together, eat together, bathe together, and sleep together, all while riding a bicycle donated by someone who needed a tax deduction.

But no Jews! Not a single Jew knocked on my door to try and give me the good news about Judaism. Not a single Jew got on TV and whined about how the War on Hanukkah wouldn't let Jewish kids stop everyone else from having bread with their sandwiches.

Not a single Muslim knocked on my door to convert me to Islam. Not one. And I didn't see any Muslims at all on TV complaining that there was a war on Islam because everyone wasn't required to wear a head scarf, no matter what their religion.

This year, just like every year before, it was the Christians who interrupted my dinner by knocking on my door uninvited and forcing their cult on me, whether I wanted them to or not. Not one of them cared about what I believed or didn't believe. They just shoved their way into my privacy and demanded I convert to what THEY believed or I would go to a hell I didn't believe existed. Not one of them could explain that trick to me, about how I could go somewhere I didn't believe existed. And not one of them were amused when I asked them if they saw people falling into a canyon crossing a bridge that did not exist, would they try and cross that bridge too like dumbass lemmings?

But I did see Christians all over the TV with their shows all about their cults, and every single store was playing their cultish music, and the whole shopping thing was so they could spend money buying objects to sacrifice to their mythical being. And soon the whole country would shut down to they could celebrate their Christian holiday, no matter what religion anyone else was. It was Christmas and it was going to be forced down your throat or...or...or...they'd burn you at the fucking stake or something equally representative of their god's love. But you could hardly hear them over all the holiday noise, all the Christian based rituals, all the horrible horrible sappy Christian music because they were screaming so loudly about the War On Christmas!

In light of all that whining hypocrisy, it is pretty much a civil duty, you might say my god given obligation to fight back against their crap with my own version of the War On Christmas. Here is the opening shot. Enjoy.

Gingerbread On A Cross by godless_heathen
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When The Rot Takes Hold

After playing the GOP Debate Drinking Game that involved taking a drink every time one of the Republican Crazies invoked their imaginary playmates to help them bring Fascism to America, I ended up wasted and more aware than ever that religion makes people really really stupid. I mean, seriously, how can you believe such insane crap and expect anyone to think you're qualified to be President?

If you can't tell the difference between talking snakes and heads of state, then you're more dangerous than any militant crazy hiding out in a cave somewhere. Most of you on that stage can't find Iraq on a map but think you have the right to inflict your version of god on a country just so you can steal their oil. If your god is so great, how come you have to kill people to make them believe in him?

Guess what? If Jesus existed he'd hate your hypocritical, immoral, lying sack of shit asses for using him to hate everyone who wasn't you or one of your small little inbred circle of cretins. When I see supposed Christians like Bachmann, Perry, and that slimy Golum, Gingrich, I see a crowd of disgusting hypocrites who found a way to steal money from people even dumber than themselves.

They created a religion called "politics" and they're now using it to pick pockets daily. They know there's people so dumb, so brainwashed by the pulpit pimps that they'll let them steal anything as long as they claim to have god on their side. And they always throw  a good raw hunk of hate to the congregation because that's what the knuckle-dragging mouth breathers slop up.

But you can only take stupid so far before even it begins to turn on you. Every time one of these jeezus whores opens their mouths and goes on about the Bible says this and the Bible says that in order to enforce their hateful little world views, you know two things: one, that they've never actually read the Bible themselves, and secondly, that each time they speak, a little bell goes off in the rest of the population and another Atheist is created.

 Just keep talking your stupid shit and you'll eventually be as extinct as the dinosaurs on your ark, because no one wants to follow a religion that makes them as intolerably stupid as today's Christian-Tealiban-Americans.

End Of The World by godless_heathen
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My Cult is better than your Cult...nyah nyah nyah...

The thing about religion and its Borg-like followers is that compromise or tolerance is nowhere in their version of the Bible, so they eventually turn on each other like a pack of inane nonsense spouting hyenas. They realize there's not much new room at the top if you're looking to raise some of those tax free jeezus bucks before the suckers catch on, so when they see someone sneaking up on them, look out feeding frenzy enthusiasts, the show is about to begin.

This is what is currently going on between the Baptists and the Mormons.

“I think the decision for conservative Evangelical Christians right now is going to be, do we prefer somebody who is truly a believer in Jesus Christ or somebody who is a good moral person but is a member of a cult? And it’s not politically correct to say but it is true, Mormonism is a cult.”



"...Dr. Robert Jeffress, a Dallas pastor and leader of the  Southern Baptist Convention   Read More


When you have two of the biggest cults saying to each other,  you're a cult, no you're a cult, then you know you've entered Beavis and Butthead territory, and because there's politics involved, it's going to enter realms not even the hyenas want to claim. But you see, it's like stink on shit. Once it's on you, it's on you. Good luck trying to rub it off on someone else, like say...the Catholic Church that considers both of these asshat cultists as total amateurs when it comes to raking in the bucks and spreading the bullshit thick and deep.

Scarlet Atheist by godless_heathen
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Congressional Sheeple

More than once over the last few days, as I watched the sideshow in Congress play out over raising the debt ceiling, the blurring of the line between church and state became increasingly obvious. It no longer was a battle between political parties; it was now a battle to inflict one group's religious dogma on everyone else.

Anyone who has ever attempted the futile task of trying to inject reason and logic into an argument with a fundamentalist whack job, soon realized there was no room left for anything else inside that wandering wasteland that passed for a Religidiot's cranium.

It's a dead zone in there, a hellhole filled with fear, misinformation, outright lies, and a belief that only unreal things like talking snakes and imaginary playmates can save them from all the other scary voices in their heads.

And because such stupidity has always been easily channeled into a movement to be used, abused, and eventually slaughtered, religidiots fill the seats in Congress and other political offices where a useful moron is required to pass someone else's agenda.

But of course, religion is the biggest someone else's agenda ever invented. It's been used to start and continue wars, destroy countries, enemies, competitors, rivals, and anything that didn't fit some power elite's plan to wipe the earth with his insatiable greed.

Religion has always served as the ultimate provider of non-thinking, obedient, unquestioning sheeple for the real rulers of the universe to achieve that wiping.

Without religion teaching them they have no business thinking for themselves when there's smart, rich people who will do it for them, there would be no tea party sheeple.

And without religion there might be a chance of swaying them to the side of reasonable compromise, to get them off their knees and look into the face of facts instead of manipulative lies and propaganda.

But as the Republicans who courted these fanatics learned when they stupidly recruited them because they needed to up the body count enough to get re-elected,there's no negotiating with religious terrorists.

They'll take the country down with them before they deviate from the path they're nailed to because facts are, in their feeble little sheeple minds, dirty liberal lies.

They've been told this over and over again by hate radio and fake news, just as they were fed carefully selected parts of the bible by some self-serving preacher knowing exactly what words and phrases to use to get them to hate the right people and march eagerly to their own slaughter, and of course, donate to the "right" cause before they were sacrificed at the end of their usefulness.(George W and the evangelicals he used and then discarded.)

And now it might be too late to turn back, too late to move the country forward when it is so obviously sliding into banana republic status. It would take reasoning with people who will believe a talking jackass and born again zombies before they let anything resembling truth enter their pathetic little brains.

And unless the rest of the country wakes up, these religious crazies will have their end of the world fantasy they've spent decades building callouses on their knees to celebrate. They'll get their banana republic where they can shoot non-believers, gays, lesbians, black, brown, red, any color, any belief that is not non-white christian crazies.

They'll get their dumbing down of the population so completely that in decades to come, few will even know there was a time when not everyone was a superstitious moron picking fleas out of their shit-blocked ears.

Civilization will have to start again from the beginning as it always has after it let the crazies take over. It's called "evolution" and it's continual because every few centuries it once again becomes necessary due to the stupidity of humanity.

Stupid People Control by godless_heathen
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Preying On The Stupid

 As stupid and ridiculous as these morons on a mission from god may appear, as hilarious as they seem as some bizarre comedy act, as insane as they may seem to anyone with even half a brain: here's a sobering thought. They have followers. You know what that means? The planet is totally fucked. The dumbification is complete. There's now more stupid people on the planet, more people who prefer to follow rather than lead, whose only real meaning in life is to either be used by cannon fodder in some rich asshole's war, or to be used by some rich assholes to make themselves even richer. And they're mentally ill. How else would they accept such monumental and ridiculous crap unless they had no clue about the difference between facts and reality. Oh wait a minute...that's why they think the bible is true. They don't know the difference...

Religious Crazies by godless_heathen
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Get yourself some of that rapture cult money!

How many remember the bleating hysterics who built bunkers to escape the horrifying terror of Y2K? They ran around like stampeded sheep trying to escape the terrifying beast no one except eighty year old computer programmers understood?

Setting aside the possibility that many of them may still be locked down underneath the earth waiting for the gays and Atheists to die off, and looking away guiltily if someone asks if you really did nail their bunker doors shut to make sure they never escaped, those packages of freeze-dried barely edible crap and barrels of by now fecund drinking water are probably close to running out.

When they emerge like pale, petrified moles with foot long nails and matted beards, there's a good chance they're going to be more than a bit pissed off that the world didn't end and they lived in a dank hole for over a decade for nothing. That means everyone who accumulated mass bucks selling them faux food and barrels of tap water will not be getting repeat customers.

That's where the rapture crazies come in. Think about it. There's a whole new market waiting to be exploited. Imagine the possibilities! Personal submarines to escape the apocalyptic floods, asbestos tubes to protect them from the hellfire on earth, and all kinds of businesses to take care of pets, exchanging current spouses in favor of newer models more suitable for breeding and populating the afterlife. And liquidating all those burdensome homes, cars, boats, RVs, and collectible plates with eagles and the statue of liberty engraved in gold flake. The potential income is limited only by your ethics and sense of morality. Use their current preachers/churches as models and those things won't get in your way because they've demonstrated how useless they truly are in such a consumer-driven earth home.

But of course, as in all money making endeavors, there's the bottom feeders. For you who are always waiting for the moment to "invest" in someone else's fear, insecurities, and desire for vengeance, there is this video to educate you on the basics.

Post Rapture by godless_heathen
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Day of the Zombie

The Zombie has risen. Be Prepared!

Jesus Zombie by godless_heathen
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Jeezus Loves Himself Some Crazy People

Whenever reasonable, sane people think they can use logic, facts, and Science to fight against the intolerable ignorance of in-bred bible-thumping morons, it would do them well to keep the folks in this video in mind...and move on to something that is higher up on the food chain.

There's a kind of stupid that's beyond repair and the only hope for the rest of the planet is that they continue to breed among themselves so thoroughly that eventually they will wilt into the shit of their own doom from genetic mutations so horrible, their very bodies go running away screaming in terror.

Dinosaur Games by godless_heathen
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You Too Can Be A Cult Leader

Creepy how you can apply these techniques to just about anyone and end up with Teabaggers, Republicans, Conservatives, Fox News Viewers, Limbots...any kind of easily manipulated, not very bright, tools for some power pigs to come along and steal the barely used brains from their skulls.

Brain-Sucking Zombie by godless_heathen
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Aliens, Jesus, and the Dinosaurs

I stumbled across the History Channel a while back and after reading the offerings and watching a bit of it, I realized a phenomenal paradigm shift has occurred in the American version of History. All "scholarly" works used as reference are religious books, which means a station that calls itself "The History Channel" only covers things that happened in the last few thousand years. And amazingly enough, Jesus and other religious figures are not descended from humans or apes. They're fucking aliens! The whole channel is devoted to aliens. Seriously. All you Jesus worshippers. He's some dude from outer space! And has anyone asked him for HIS birth certificate or proof of citizenship? Seriously, you know he's just got to be an ILLEGAL alien. You better ask for those papers before he starts bringing his whole damn family to this planet.

Fish Cult by godless_heathen
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Ten Rebuttals to Creationist Nonsense

Now that the war on Christmas has been put back in the attic along with the manger scene of single moms and their first Christian anchor babies dressed as Muslims, it's time to focus on the year-round crazies: the creationist-spouting knuckledraggers.

I can understand perfectly why they refuse to believe in evolution. It's too painful for them to admit it passed them by. They grew up being mocked on the playground: oh look, there's Bubba Dumbfuck. Everyone got a new car for graduation and all he got was a dinosaur that wants to eat him all the time.

And evolution is quite picky too. While everyone else benefitted from the evolution of medicine, the poor stupid creationists were watching their bodies rot away from leprosy and other nasty diseases.

Seriously, no one wants to date some dude who believes shit written by crazy people who thought the earth was flat, and it's even worse if body parts are falling off as they're trying to hit on that hot Atheist.

But the worst thing is that the whole world is changing around them, everything is growing and evolving and they're seriously being left behind to wallow in the ooze with the other cranially-impaired lifeforms.

But all is not lost. There's lots of fetuses to make friends with and as long as no one has to evolve, then creationist christians won't be put in the awkward position of throwing their new friends out with the trash once they're actually born and swimming on their own.

And to amuse you, here's ten rebuttals to creationist arguments. Sadly, those who could really benefit from it won't get to see it because they're stuck somewhere trying to figure out where the gas pump goes on the dinosaur.

American Religion by godless_heathen
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